Old writing notebook

*Two days after my 25th birthday, Dec 2011

She turned 25 a couple of days ago. Gone were the days when birthdays seemed so special - a day you look forward to when you were just a little kid. She wasn't that young anymore and she knew it.

Somehow, "All the Love in the World" kept playing in her head and not for the first time that day, she asked herself if she was ready. She doesn't want to fall into the trap of thinking that she's ready to fall in love again when she's really not. It has been an obsessive thought lately. Something that she doesn't want to think about anymore. She knows that if she's indeed ready, she wouldn't have to ask herself that question anymore. She'll just know.

** January 26 2012
Sometimes I feel the my world shake. The slightest tremor sends anxiety to my already addled brain. It's as if my soul is moving parallel with the earth's core, sending slivers of alarm, alerting me that something inside might collapse.

(P.S. I don't know what this meant. Probably pretty sure I was stressed out during this time.)

***June 1 2012
When I went to Baguio last month, there was this pure moment of contentment that I felt. We were praying inside the Our Lady of Atonement Church and I just felt this utter sense of contentment: that there might be something still missing but I love my life as it is anyway. I've got everything I need.

(P.S. I need to be reminded of that feeling again :) )

Saturday

I woke up giddy. Today I'd pass my Graduate studies application form. I went to La Salle, armed with my long envelope, straight to the admissions office. Time check: 12:30 pm. There was a long line. I guess there isn't a lunch break on Saturdays as the personnel continued to process applications even at this hour. I sat there, feeling a little nervous. My papers were still incomplete. My transcript of records was still being processed at UP. I didn't know that first time applicants for TOR would need to wait for 1-2 months to get a copy of grades. When I requested last January, I thought I would have it in two weeks, just in time for the 1st term application period in DLSU. Application for 1st term was in February.

So when it was already my turn, I presented my papers: app form, letters of recommendation, good moral cert, CV, and personal statement.

"Where's your TOR?"
"Pwede bang to follow na lang once admitted?"

The person I talked to was accomodating naman but he was new so he consulted a senior staff regarding my inquiry. But unfortunately, they said they couldn't process the application without the TOR since it's one of the major requirements.

I argued (of course, amicably) : "But this is just for testing permit pa lang naman right? I'm not even sure if I'll get admitted pa (insert weak smile here). Hindi ba talaga pwedeng to follow?"

"Sorry ma'am but as early as now we need to have the TOR so we can do pre-evaluation. Don't worry may second term pa naman. I'm sure your TOR will be ready by then. Ang tagal pala ng processing ng UP."

I thanked him and got out of the office. I couldn't smile after that. How stupid of me to think that the record of grades would be insignificant. Yes, I got accepted at work without presenting any TOR but this is the academe we're talking about genius girl. Should've could've secured all the requirements first instead of relying on gut feel.

February isn't my month. I wondered, on the way home, what else could possibly go wrong. I got depressed. Ivan advised me to call DLSU first thing today (Monday) and ask if I can present the receipt of my TOR request and if it will suffice at this point. That was a good idea. But, surprise surprise. I cannot find the receipt. I cannot. I've searched every nook and cranny of our house. It's clear to me that I've put it inside my red document envelope where all important life documents are, the one I've had since 4th year high school. But it wasn't there. FML. Dear God are you trying to tell me something? I swear if it turns up some time in April I am going to go crazy.

Ok, I know there's always the second term. And maybe, maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Nonetheless, it's frustrating. That old cliche of taking away candy from a child, even before she can sink her teeth into it. But this is my lifelong dream and,come hell or high water, I will chase it and fight for it. But if I want to win, first things first, I have to make sure all my guns are locked and loaded. Now, let's get those requirements completed.

Today's Happy Pill!

Cheesy Beef Jamaican Pattie for Brunch! :)

There goes the light, it just went out.



How do I feel? Like crap. Like all my energy just went down the drain. How can a simple picture make me feel so bad? Maybe it was the look in their eyes. They were happy, they were together, and they smiled like they were happy to be together.

I saw him the day after the picture was posted. I was in a funk, out of sorts. Catatonic even. I was sluggish, my voice just above a whisper. I made unremarkable comments about the food, about my day. He said, "Parang matamlay ka yata ngayon." I smirked. I wanted to scream. It's because of you, you idiot! I wanted so bad to tell him. Drag him into my disgusting misery. But I can't, I won't.

We're friends. First and foremost, we're friends. Before I fell in love with him, we were friends first. And friends want their friends to be happy. Whatever feelings I have should be placed in the back burner. Besides, we've already talked about it a couple of times and things never work out. It's just not meant to be. And I want him to be happy. I think he already is.

Good for him. Damn good for him.

Goodbye Kafka, Veronika, and Lestat

I have to admit that it's a bit sad to let go of my books. Some I had way back in college as part of required reading in my English classes. Most of them, though, I bought with my hard earned money when I started working.

Books. They're the equivalent of retail therapy to me. Some girls buy clothes, others shoes, but me I buy books to make me feel better. Sometimes, I'm even hesitant to buy new clothes. But if I find a book I like, I'll buy it, I wouldn't even think twice. So, yeah, it's hard to part with all the stories I've read and related to all these past years. Of course, there are books I would never sell like Anansi Boys, Cunnigham's The Hours, my Harry Potter series, my Ian Rankin collection. Those will stay put. I plan to pass it on to my sons and daughters in the near future.

But then again, there's a silver lining (aside from earning a little extra). To be honest, I don't get much out of selling them anyway. I just wanted to clear out some shelf space at first. Sorry, I digress. The silver lining: whenever a customer (customer talaga? hahahaha) says "Thank you" and you see that they're really happy with the books - like they've found a long lost friend.

I have been meeting up with buyers and it has been an interesting experience so far. Especially for an anti-social, introvert like moi. Last Friday I met this mom who studied Lit during her undergrad years. She's older than my mom who's in her late 40s. We've chatted a bit and I learned that she works as a call center representative to support her child and she claimed, good-naturedly, to be the oldest rep in her department. She loves reading; she bought Murakami, Vonnegut, and Garcia Marquez from me. I told her to please explain Kafka on the Shore to me when she's done reading it. I have never been a fan of Murakami and I won't pretend that I understand half of the time what he was trying to say in the novel.

Somehow, meeting different people - book lovers like me, nonetheless - leaves me smiling. And when you feel that there's a connection between you and this complete stranger through your shared interest in books, that's, well, priceless.
  

 

 

I.

"I was a slut. There will always be a part of me that is dirty and sloppy, but I like that, just like all the other parts of myself. I can forgive. Can you say the same for yourself, fucker? Can you forgive? Are you capable of that?"

Silver Linings Playbook, Matthew Quick

Love Letter (Part II)

14 February 1932


Charles,

I saw her. Last night, in a dream.

We were in a park, strolling and holding hands. Leaves were falling all around us. Bright red ones, orange leaves, golden foliage. I cannot recall most of what happened but a lightness in my chest lingers. It's like sunshine spreading out to the darkest corners of my insides. Even now, I still feel it.

In truth, I haven't seen Joanne in a while. But, it is as if, she is with me all the time. I am certain that our paths will cross again. An invisible thread connects the two of us; an umbilical cord binds us navel to navel. With my every pulse, I can hear the drone of her heart and I know, somehow, somewhere, she's waiting for me to find her again. Until that pre-destined moment of our meeting, I hope my dreams of her would never end.


F.R.


*Happy Hearts Day everyone! :)