Monday, December 3, 2012

Love Letter


3rd December 1931

Charles,

I am going mad. These feelings are devouring me from the inside out. My bones are being crushed with the weight of my own delirium.
Joanne. Her name evokes a thousand emotions. Her eyes hold so much, I wonder where her soul has been before. Because her name tastes like almonds in my mouth, salty and bitter at the same time. Because I imagine she’s fond of holding hands all the time, even when sleeping. Because she makes me feel like every day is December –when you look forward to waking up, even if the weather is freezing. Her laughter is the sunlight that melts the frost off my heart. Because she doesn’t know how to sing that I want to make music for her, hold her hand, and hum her to sleep every night. Because she makes me think of someone else besides myself. That with one simple glance, a half-smile, I hear my heart about to burst inside my chest.
How I wish that this fever never ends.

                                                                                                                                       F.R.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Metaphysics

I believe that souls are reborn. (Or maybe Cloud Atlas has inception-ized my brain.)

Who could I've been in my past life? Maybe I was a jester at King Henry VIII's court. I may have been a surfer dude in Hawaii. Or a professor of music in some esteemed school halfway around the globe.

Who am I now? I'm not so sure, but if we define personality by what people do, then I guess, I am a senior media planner (pinay media planner, naks) in a media agency. Funny how it sounds so generic, like it could be anyone. It doesn't quite answer the question. If we define ourselves by the job we do, it feels like we know so little of ourselves we let our circumstances define who we are. But then, how does one define personality? But I digress. This is not the point of this post.

I would be somebody else the next time my soul is reborn. I could be somebody else now in a parallel universe for all I know. However, I will never know that I've been reborn. I can speculate that I've had a past life but I would not be able to recollect moments of that supposed past life. I guess that's why we say "You Only Live Once" nowadays. I believe in souls being reborn and in YOLO. Ironic, isn't it? Not quite.

In parallel universes I might've exist or still exist, past lives I might've lived through, but my here and now is well, here and now, right at this moment. I will never be more conscious that I am alive than I am right now. Flesh and blood, living and breathing at this moment. What I do now I won't be able to recall next time. So I say let's stop taking each moment for granted and start living.

The point of this post? Nothing, just trying to be profound for a change (and trying to eliminate writer's block in the process). ;)

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Uyyy nakaka-relate...


Lover to Lover by Florence + The Machine

I’ve been losin' sleep,
I’ve been keepin' myself awake,
I’ve been wandering the streets,
For days and days and days,

Oh if I’m row to row,
Back to back,
Lover to lover,
And black to red,

But I believe,
I believe

There’s no salvation for me now,
No space among the clouds,
And I’ve seen that I’m heading down,
But that’s alright,
That’s alright,
That’s alright..
That’s alright..

And I’ve been taking chances,
I’ve been setting myself up for the fall,
I’ve been keeping secrets,
From my heart and from and from my soul.


Going from row to row,
Back to back,
Lover to lover,
Black to red,

But I believe,
I believe
There’s no salvation for me now,
No space among the clouds,
And I’ve seen that I’m heading down,
But that’s alright,
That’s alright,
That’s alright!
That’s alright!

Row to row,
Back to back,
And lover to lover,
And black to red,
And row to row,
Back to back,
And lover to lover!

No space among the clouds…
And I feel I’m heading down…
But that’s alright,
That’s alright,
That’s alright!
That’s alright!
That’s alright!
That’s alright!

Row to row!
Back to back!
And lover to lover!
And black to red!
And row to row!
Back to back!
Lover to lover
To lover to lover
To lover to lover
To lover to lover
To lover to lover
To lover to lover…

No salvation for me now…
No salvation for me now…
No salvation for me now…
No salvation for me now…

Monday, November 19, 2012

Mope Monday

You were so sure you'd be okay. You'd be able to move forward.

So, why are you moping today? And, why does it feel like you're physically here but everything seems so dreamlike?

  

I love you, Sabado.


Friday, November 9, 2012

Schizotypal

Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||| 18%
Schizoid |||| 18%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Antisocial |||||||||| 34%
Borderline |||| 18%
Histrionic |||||| 30%
Narcissistic |||||||||| 38%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 46%
Dependent |||| 18%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||| 46%
 
 
Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior; preoccupied with seeing themselves and/or the world as strange/odd
 
Take the test here:

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Good Love Stories Wanted

A little background on this post: a friend and I were talking about books last night. She happens to have a penchant for love stories and is looking for an interesting one. Being a nerd wannabe, I tried (operative word: tried) to recommend some books I’ve read and realized I was struggling and could only think of a handful of books. And, they’re not even straight out ‘romance’ novels. I was never the cheesy type, anyway.

Love daw makes the world go round. Somehow, though, I can’t seem to find a good love story in novels nowadays. Define ‘good’ you say. Good as in (1) the characters are individuals who are not highly dependent on each other; they have separate things going on (read: no Twilight, please), and (2) affection is expressed subtly yet the reader swoons even with the subtlety (declarations of crazy love on every page is unnecessary; again no Twilight and Nicholas Sparks). Examples, you say. Okay, here are non-nausea invoking literary couples:

  • Marius and Cosette (Les Miserables)
  • Claire Ann Abshire and Henry de Tamble (The Time Traveller's Wife): Okay, a friend told me this book turned her nearly diabetic. However, I found it delightful how Henry discovers each milestone of their story (i.e. how he and Claire met, why there's a scar on Claire's right side, etc.) I liked how events unfolded un-chronologically and I liked how, in some way or form, it's a coming-of-age story as much as it is a love story between Claire and Henry.
  • Robbie and Cecilia (Atonement)
  • Rob and Laura (High Fidelity): Classic Nick Hornby; a couple who has the same real-life problems you can relate to.
  • Dr. Juvenal Urbino and Fermina Urbino (Love in the Time of Cholera): Sorry Florentino Ariza fans.
  • Mikael Blomkvist and Lisbeth Salander (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo): With Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara in mind heehee
  • Fat Charlie and Daisy (Anansi Boys)
  • Paul and Lexy (Dogs of Babel): heads-up this is a sad story
  • Jubilo and Lucha (Swift as Desire)
Anyone you want to add to the list? :)

Monday, October 22, 2012

This Week in Music: Feeling Ko Nakakarma Ko

Up Dharma Down - Oo
'Di mo lang alam/Kahit tayo'y magkaibigan lang/Bumabalik ang lahat sa tuwing nagkukulitan/Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman/Ako'y nandito lang/Hindi mo lang alam/matalino ka naman.


Yeeeep. Ayan. Karma.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Are you?


Apparently, I am not. I'm a bit disappointed :D:

Take the quiz here: The Wisdom of Psychopaths

Friday, October 12, 2012

This Week in Music: Finding comfort in Metallica


Enter Sandman - Metallica

Dendendendendendendendendenden. (Me attempting to hum the intro notes of the song)

I listen to this song whenever I want to feel calm. Seems counter-intuitive? Nah. Close your eyes and listen to the melody, the divine guitar riffs, the certain sultry rage in James Hetfield's voice and find yourself enveloped in a delicious symphony that's somewhat reassuring. I'm probably not making sense. Nevertheless, try it out: plug your earphones, turn the volume up, and just listen to the song.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Train of thought

Trains are time vacuums. Once you're inside and seated (if you're lucky enough) you enter into an enclosed space where you can get lost inside your head for 45 minutes. That's the case for me: with or without earphones; seated or standing inside fighting for space. Twice a day, I ride a train and then, I slip into my own blackhole of varying thoughts.

I like trains. They're like my own personal coccoons. It keeps me sheltered from the outside world even for just a few moments. Here I can brood about a range of topics, from the most minute like what to eat for lunch to the most complex ones such as how can I afford that MA. Or better yet, I daydream. It's my favorite pastime nowadays. I can conjure up a luxurious vacation in my mind, smile to myself, and linger in that moment. Sometimes, I busy myself looking at the shoes of my co-passengers, thinking about how they came to have those shoes. I make up stories about who gave it to them or if they bought it themselves, what kind of persons they are: whether the loafer-wearing college boy seated next to me is a nerd or is there an adventurous facet to his personality hidden beneath, inconspicuous to the naked eye.

For 45 minutes, twice a day, I enter a meditative state. It's almost like me-time until it's time to get off, cocoon time's over. Trains and their ability to suck you into your own blackhole. Trains as 'thin' places. Me and my 'thin' places. They get weirder and weirder each time. I get weirder and weirder all the time.    

Keso


Is there anything that I can do baby?

Friday, October 5, 2012

This week in Music: The New James Bond Theme Song

Adele singing an action film theme? Why not.


*"Skyfall" performed by Adele
* Written by Adele and Paul Epworth

P.S. Daniel Craig is the hottest James Bond. Ever. Don't you agree? :D

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Liar Liar

"The only way you can write the truth is to assume that what you set down will never be read. Not by any other person, and not even by yourself at some later date. Otherwise you begin excusing yourself. You must see the writing as emerging like a long scroll of ink from the index finger of your right hand; you must see your left hand erasing it." - Margaret Atwood


I shouldn't be posting this but what the hell.

I've been scared long enough. So SCREW it.

Last Sunday, I realized that my biggest regret in this crazy-little-thing-called-love is...

Letting you go 12 years ago.

There. I feel better now. That's the truth. And if anyone asks me again, that's what I'm going to say. If YOU ask me again, I will look you in the eye and tell you the truth.

Count your blessings: September in Review

Mom turned 48 years old . Hooray! :D

Blow the candle!
Ivan turned 25 years old. :D
Cheers to more years!
My first time to set foot in Mindanao. First time to eat a sea urchin and I found out it was delicious, too.
Cruised throught the City of Golden Friendship with my bestfriends :)

Was awestruck by the beauty of Katibawasan Falls in Camiguin

Survived the longest zipline in Asia at Dahilayan adventure park
Survived the flashflood while rafting down the Cagayan River
Hmmm, what else?
  • Watched the Phantom of the Opera for the first time: one thing that got crossed out my bucket list :D
  • Simply spending time with family and friends - goofing around and acting like idiots everytime we see each other
  • Dad preparing food for me everyday <3>
  • Apologizing to someone, being granted forgiveness, and knowing that you are at peace with the person you look up to as your big brother. It really warms my heart.  :)

There. To tell the truth, September was a pretty rough month for me. There are things, persons even, that I had to let go of, either because of my own choice or because of choices made by other people for me. It's hard writing this post. It's hard to feel cheery at all. However, at the end of the day, there is still sooo much to be thankful for, so many things to be strong for. I don't want to be preachy and I can't speak for everyone else. But I know that what matters now is how we move forward. How we will stay strong - for ourselves and for the people around us. I want to move forward and believe that everything happens for a reason, that there is a higher power at work somewhere and everything will just fall into their right places, that a setback can actually be just another blessing in disguise.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Honey, where are you?



-Milan Kundera

Honey, where are you?

Work was chaotic today. Too many things to reconcile; too many things to fix. Sometimes, I just stop and stare at my monitor, not knowing what to do next nor even where to start. I wonder how many more days I have to spend like this. The thought of sitting right next to you, in silence, my hand in yours makes this day bearable. I hope your day was better than mine.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you're doing I hope you can feel me writing this. I hope that the universe gives you some kind of hint that somewhere, someone is thinking of you - someone you've never met - that whatever you're doing right now, whether your nose is buried in a book or you're finishing a blueprint or having your nighttime walk,  you pause and marvel at this inexplicable feeling of spontaneously knowing that the person who holds the other half of your heart is sending you a cosmic message to hurry up and find her. I hope you find me sooner. I mean, I hope we stumble upon each other sooner rather than later. I'm getting tired of kissing frogs who turn out to be assholes in the end.

So, again: honey, where are you?   

*Quote from Milan Kundera. Image from here.

Friday, September 21, 2012

This week in Music

Thank you Rems for introducing Corrine May and her music to me. I love love love "Beautiful Life," "Let it Go," and "24 hours." Corrine May's music is optimistic; inspiring us to live each day as if it were our last day on earth, to see through the hardships, and look forward to the happy moments after the storm.

My personal favorite is "Beautiful Life." "Beautiful Life" talks about (well) life, how we live it, and the struggles that come with it. Most especially, it talks about the joy that comes from those struggles. My favorite line: "It's living every moment, like it could be our last/ for our hearts are restless/ 'til they rest in love's caress." Whenever I hear this song, I remember my recent Mindanao adventure with the ones closest to my heart. I feel like the song embodies the attitude that me and my friends have towards life - going on an adventure, living it to the fullest, and struggling to become better persons.


"24 Hours" is quite similar to "Beautiful Life." Corrine May asks: "If I had only 24 hours to live, what would I do? What would I do?" Again, the overall theme is living in the now. "It's easy to lose track/ it's tempting to look back/ Fill our hearts with regret/ For all we couldn't do, for all we should have done but didn't take the time to/ But it's not too late/ We've still got today." A song that reminds you that it's never too late but at the same time reminding you that tomorrow's not guaranteed thus, the right time to act is NOW.


And this one's "Let it Go":


"Let it go, let it be/ Don't waste all your emotion on this tit-for-tat machine./ Let it go, let it be/ Let it go." Note to self. :)

Also, last Sunday, I was able to finally see "The Phantom of the Opera" at CCP. At long last! Thus, I crossed it out on the "Things I've Never Done" list. It was such a treat to my auditory nerves. Hehe. I wasn't able to see much of the details of the stage and the actors' facial expressions but it doesn't really matter. It was such a delight to just listen to the orchestra and to the voices and the feelings that are enveloped inside those voices that you can close your eyes and still feel what was happening, feel how each character was feeling, and relate to their emotions. All by just listening. Some might argue that this defeats the purpose of going to the theater where the visuals are as important but to me, the music was powerful enough that you can forget all else. Of course, this is different from just listening to the songs via Itunes or Youtube; there's a certain enchantment, a certain grandeur when you hear the songs sung live, played by a real live orchestra.

My favorites were "The Phantom of the Opera" and "All I ask of You." I liked how Christine sang "All I ask of You" versus the version I got from Youtube. Whereas the Youtube version was soft and sweet, during the live performance Christine delivered it sweetly but with an urgency so rigid it expresses her yearning for Raoul and the cooped up tension she felt caused by the events which preceeded the scene at the rooftop. I also liked how the Phantom, in his despair, sang his part in a thin voice at first conveying his self-pity, his longing and then gradually, in an angry, vengeful tone cursed Christine for betraying him. In other news, I regret missing "Cats" last year.

Happy Friday! :)

*Btw, this is my 100th post! Yay! :)

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Unsubscribe to Unhurt

What was it like to become deaf? She thought about it often. What if she can’t hear hurtful words thrown her way? She can see the offensive person’s lips moving; forming shapes but no sound, no pain, no anger can be heard. Would it be a sure way of avoiding grief? Sometimes, just hearing the voice of the person you despise can shatter your perfect day. It would be wonderful if there was just a mute button somewhere that she can press so as not to hear his voice.
She may not know everything there is to life but this much she knows: friends understand you, without you having to explain. All she was asking for was for him to understand why she had to back out. Friends do not judge. They do not label - well, except for playful labels that friends use to tease each other with. Friends do not make mountains out of molehills - because again, they understand or if they don't, then they TRY.
If only there was a way to block his voice out. If only there was a way not to feel hurt. If only it was easy to cut a person out of your life.
At times like these, she thinks about those who are there for her, who love her despite of all her inconsistencies; people who tell her: "It's alright, you didn't make good on your promise but we still love you." People who are realer than their egos.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Writer's Block.

Type.
Delete.
Space.
Type.
One word, two words, three words.
Stare.
Tap the keyboard.
Knock on the tabletop.
Frown.
Delete.
Enter.
Bite lower lip.
Fidget.
Sit up straight.
Pause.
Listen to music.
Eavesdrop.
Fidget.
Smile sadly.
Fidget.
Sigh.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Lolita



I was browsing through the yellowed pages; the old-book-scent filling the air. And then I found it. Last night, on page 43 to be exact.

And, now, I can't get this goofy smile off my face.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. :)

Friday, August 10, 2012

Claro (Part 1)

He was born during a solar eclipse, the light of the noonday sun obscured by the moon's shadow for a total of two fleeting minutes. His mother, eight months pregnant, was at the town market, in front of a fruit stall, happily sampling a ripe plum that the vendor has given to her for free. Even though she was way past that period when pregnant women have weird, uncontrollable cravings for certain food, Dona Placida had an inexplicable craving for plums that she left her husband at their dining table, halfway through lunch. Don Jubilo, his spoon hanging in mid-air, was dumbfounded with his wife leaving the table in haste, muttering about how she needed to eat a plum at that exact moment. He shook his head and thought: "What a weird woman" and then continued to eat. Don Jubilo's and Dona Placida's house was situated at the center of the town; the market is just a good ten-minute walk from their two-storey stone house.

Eclipses happen only once or twice a year. The sun and the moon are parallel bodies that, theoretically, will never meet. They are separated by millions of light years, each with a different orbit but nonetheless, connected to each other - moonlight came from the sun. The moon has always wanted to be close to the sun; to experience the sun's magnificent light wash over its dull body; to feel the sun's delicious warmth envelope its cold, rocky surface. The closest that the moon can get to it is when it passes between the sun and the earth.

As Dona Placida bit into her plum, the moon's wish to be close to the sun was granted. Dona Placida stood there, mesmerized by the sudden nightfall in the middle of a hot, summer day. She forgot all about the plum. She didn't even notice that her waters broke. She was hypnotized and time stood still; nothing was of importance to her other than the seeming union of the moon and the sun. No one can peel their eyes off the moon, now bathed in a golden halo that was almost blinding. Gradually, the moon moved on and the light from the sun was slowly spreading over the little town. But, Placida was still caught up in her reverie.   

She was propelled back to reality when she felt a tiny hand holding the small finger of her left hand. She realized that she was sitting on the pavement, cradling an infant - her newborn son - the tiny creature, indeed, holding on to her small finger, his umbilical cord still connected to her womb. He was so small, painfully small. He arrived earlier than expected, a month before he was due. His skin glowed like the moon's golden halo. His mouth began to open and he began to swallow mouthfuls of air without making a sound. His eyes started to open and he met his mother's curious, brown eyes gazing at him. He recognized her at once and managed to give her a small smile. He didn't cry at all, unlike all other newborns. It was Dona Placida who actually cried out of joy. She believed that what she was cradling in her arms was a child blessed by the sun and the moon. Claro, my Claro, she murmured to him. Claro raised his small hand and touched her mama's face in response.       

Monday, August 6, 2012

I will never have a shortage of brothers.

I already miss them, even though they just bullied me most of the time last Saturday. :)

The three musketeers :)


I hope we'll stay the same even as the years go by. SENTI LANG? Malamang separation anxiety. Hahaha. Ang hirap talaga 'pag manic Mondays, nagiging schizo/emo ang mga tao. The weather's not helping either. :D

Hope you guys have a nice Monday :)

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Magic Mike


Me: Look, we don't have to put a bet on the odds of a game. That's fine. I get it. I don't care whether we win by 17+ points or just even one. But, you know, I just... I need some consistency.


Mike Silungan: I know.

Me: I need to know that you're not gonna wake up in the morning and play differently, or moodily. Like those games with AdU and ADMU. You hardly made any field goals.

Mike Silungan: And I can't give you that. Nobody can.

Me: Marvin Cruz did. Back in 2007. We might've lost but he was a consistent, good player.


Image from here.
*Excerpts from 500 Days of Summer

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

August Reading List

Five books in a month. Pretty ambitious.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Art Appreciation 101

Me, Jonna, and Shara

It was Shara's idea to interpret jewelry designs found on Pinterest in an attempt to break the monotony of everyday work.This exercise provides comic relief as well. From eccentric rings and comic facial expressions to house architecture, we have now moved on to interpret abstract paintings. It's interesting since Jonna attended painting classes and she was able to educate us on how to make out patterns/meanings in abstract works of art. Our interpretations have improved; we now know that we need to step back and squint, if necessary, to look at the bigger picture, instead of focusing on the nitty-gritty details which, sometimes, hinder authentic understanding. You need to step back and look at the bigger picture. True in art, true in life. Sometimes, all you need is a change of perspective.

Happy Monday everyone! :)

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Of Tattoos and Super Mario Brothers


From a long day at the office, I found myself, finally, on my way home. I was lucky to find a seat  inside the crowded LRT train. I was seated next to a skinhead guy with several tattoos stamped on his body. I find tattoos intriguing and even considered getting inked once (when I was younger) so I discreetly studied the tattoos of this person seated next to me.

He had one abstract tattoo on his left arm. I think those were flames in red and blue. Aside from the tattoo, his left arm was adorned by several baller IDs and chunky bracelets. Nothing special about the arm tattoo; just the usual designs you can find in henna tattoo "lookbooks".

But, the standout tattoo can be found on his neck. I committed that tattoo to memory because it was interesting, like a recollection of my own childhood. Again, this tattoo was etched in blue and red ink. The drawing below is my recollection of the said tattoo.


This is my recollection of the tattoo. Yes, there were (red) waves even.  
I restrained myself from humming the Mario brothers theme while looking at his neck.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Hachi's gone M.I.A.; I'm going berserk


I woke up on Sunday morning to find Hachi gone. I wasn't really worried because she usually goes out and then returns before lunchtime. What's unsettling is that she didn't return before lunch nor after lunch. She hasn't returned as of this morning. I'm worried sick. Has she stopped adopting me? :(

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Goals for 2012 (Mid-year Recap)

• Learn how to use chopsticks. (No progress)
Belly-dance
• Learn how to swim. (No progress)
• Learn how to surf.  (No progress)
Acquire a passport.
• Join four LitWit Challenges (and win!). 3 out of 4
• Go to the gym every weekend. FAIL (But I jog 2-3x a week)
• Climb 2-3 mountains. 1 out of 3
• Volunteer or donate to PAWS. Changed my mind
• Watch one movie a month (haha). So far so good!
• Go on ‘artist’ dates. Check!
• Write more. FAIL

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Friend Zone #99

Finally, I had the courage to ask him out. And, I got rejected. In our modern times, I guess the right term would be "friend zoned".

I've been thinking about popping the question for weeks. I thought about how to say it several times. It wasn't easy baring your heart like that but there are just some things that you've got to go through. And, this was one of those things. I had to know where things fall. Whatever happens, that moment would always be a turning point in our friendship.

I was scared but from the start, I was expecting him to say "No." What I didn't expect was the feeling of being light, of being unburdened, like your heart was soaring over your body. Maybe it was adrenaline pumping. It was sad, too. But not too sad that I can't cope.

I didn't expect to be fine but, here I am with my head above the water.



Tuesday, June 19, 2012

The Bipolar Playlist


Some songs have upbeat melodies but, if you listen to the words, these songs are actually sad. 

Here are a few examples:

Payphone (Maroon 5) – “If fairy tales did exist, I would still be holding you like this.”



Maroon 5 has a couple of other “bipolar” songs – Misery, Makes Me Wonder, etc

Summer Sunshine (The Corrs) – “Now that you’ve left me, there’s no returning.”

Hurricane Drunk (Florence + The Machine) – “And in the crowd, I see you with someone else.”

 
Viva La Vida (Coldplay) – “Just a puppet on a lonely string. Oh who would ever want to be king?”



 So on a bipolar day, you know which songs I would be listening to. :)