11:11

11:11. They said I could make a wish. So whenever I catch the clock hitting 11:11, I'd say your name. More like a prayer than a wish. I'd only stop whispering your name when it hits 11:12. You'd think I was crazy and being all voodoo-like but for someone as shy as me, who freezes and gets tongue-tied in your presence, this is my appeal to the cosmos, my attempt to rally the universe behind my cause. And that is, for you to take notice of me. Besides, I'm a girl and a girl can only do "first moves" so much.

I don't think it's working either. Well, there was one time when we passed by each other in the corridors and you gave me a half-smile and I smiled back. It took all my strength not to swoon/scream right then and there. But that doesn't mean anything to you I know. Other than that, nada. Come to think of it, I rarely even see you. And if I do see you, it would be around two seconds and then, you're gone again. Five seconds max. Elusive, like the golden snitch.

There are days when I feel okay. Newsflash: I don't think about you every second. Moments when I forget that you exist and I'm just so caught up with whatever it is I'm doing like work, like writing or reading. On days when your absence is prolonged, my heart calms down and it doesn't look for you. But then, because fate is really mean, those 2-sec sightings happen and my heart is again thrown into a frenzy. It becomes greedy and looks for you everywhere; wants everyone to be you. Then I won't see you again for a long time and it's calm. Until I see you again. And the cycle of heart attacks begins again.

I don't know how this came to be. It was just a simple crush. But then, I made the mistake of saying it out loud, told my friends about it and before I knew it, voila, full blown Superbass whenever you pass by.

I'm writing this because...I don't know. Because, maybe, it's hard to say it, hard to tell you, in person. I needed to get it off of my chest. Tell you about it somehow before the forces of nature spirit me away to my most awaited adventure. My last attempt to send the message across without having to open my mouth, literally. And, mind you, this is the closest to a confession you're gonna get. So there.

XI. I hate it when I see you (11/11/14)

I hate it when I see you

It makes me ache for something I can never touch

It gnaws at my bones and extinguishes warmth

It leaves my insides hollow and cold

And it aches

And aches

And longs for something to fill the void

A void that no one else but you can seal.

And so I promise

Not to seek you out anymore

Because I'm okay when I don't

But whenever I see you

I'm reminded of a place I can never go to

And I don't want this rabid thing inside my chest

Tormenting me with its angry beats

And eats me up until nothing's left.

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself. #10 Is An Absolute Must.

#4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

Read the full article.

30 minutes

That night I watched you as you slept. Not the whole night; just around 30 minutes. I resisted the urge to kiss you, by the way. I guess you didn't know that you held on to me, hugged me. I wanted to hug you back but I didn't. I knew that you were probably dreaming and that it wasn't me you were holding in your dreams.

Actually, I have a wound.

Do you need one, too?
Image from here.

I thought it would go away if I ignored it. I tried putting a band aid on it so I won't see it. When it was painful, I looked the other way and tried to focus on other things so I'd forget the pain.

I was wrong.

Wounds don't heal if you ignore them. They'd fester and grow and gnaw at you. And end up worse than before. They don't heal too if you pay too much attention to it though. It takes time and the right amount of effort for it to heal completely.

And that's exactly what I'll do - take my time to heal. Feel a little less guilty for saying how I feel; be okay with the fact that I still feel offended. Most of the time, it feels like I have no right to feel slighted. That I should be okay with how things are - keep an open mind and be understanding of other people. Listen to them pour their hearts out. Share their pain. Offer words of comfort. All the while holding everything in and trying not to explode. It's my fault too. I have never been a "sharer"; I keep things to myself too much. I really, really, really tried my best. But I realized that I need to fix myself first. Maybe even keep a bit of distance for a while if that's what it takes. I was a fool to believe that everything would return to how it was.

I'm sorry.

Sweet Snoopy

Awwwww (pun unintended) :)

Five things I learned from Swimming (that can be applied to real life)

1. Keep your eyes open. Whether you're going to jump into the water or just doing laps, it's best if you see where you are headed. 
2. It's all about pacing. It's not a race. The goal is to keep your body in rhythm so you can keep yourself afloat. 
3. When you're in the middle of the pool and you realize that you're in really deep water (excuse the pun) and you start to panic, remember: Glide, kick, kick, pull. Keep moving, don't let the circumstances scare you. Remember what you have to do to get through.
4. Remember a mouthful of water cannot drown you, but panic can. (This I learned from "Life of Pi" HAHAHA but it's applicable anyway).
5. After every pull, raise your head from the surface and do not forget to BREATHE.

My Anti-Bucket List

The Anti-bucket list or the list of things you never hope to do in your lifetime.

Here's mine (in no particular order):

• World War III breaks out and there's scarcity of food and so I have to eat my cats. NOOOO, I don't even wanna think about it.
• Anything that concerns septic tanks.
• Shave my head.
• Wear contact lens. I have an issue with putting any foreign object inside my eyes. I'm pretty much paranoid with anything concerning my peepers. Aside from them being my best assets (hehehe), my biggest fear is that I'd go blind and never be able to read again.
• Attend the wedding of the person you wanted to marry. Duh.
• Undergo a root canal. Ouchie.
•  Bungee Jump.  No, seriously, bungee jump.
• Jump out of a crashing plane.
• Dance like Miley Cyrus did in the recent VMA's. Watched it yet? Yes. Watch it again so you could put it in your anti-bucket list, too. Haha. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgSQSQ6D16o) 

You, what's yours? :)

May Bulutong ka ba?

Nagkaroon ka na ba ng chicken pox? Oo, bulutong.

Akala ko kapag nagkaroon ka na ng bulutong, hindi ka na magkakaroon ulit. Apparently, hindi naman pala ganun ang kaso. Yung virus daw will stay in your system, dormant until merong mag-trigger and then it will act up again and voila-  may shingles ka na!

Habang lutang ako sa LRT kanina (bilang 1.5 hours lang ang tulog ko), naisip ko lang, yung love parang chicken pox din e no? Kala mo wala na, pero andun pa din pala, dormant lang. Pwedeng ma-trigger ulit tapos kapag di naagapan pwedeng mag-iwan ng scar. Malas mo lang, dahil kahit parehas sila ng chicken pox, di pa din tatalab ang chicken pox vaccine sa condition mo. Buti pa nga yung kapag nagka-chicken pox ka pwede kang maligo ng pinagpakuluan ng Cilantro seeds para gumaling. Kapag nag-scar, maghanap ka na ng real life sebo de macho or contractubex para mag-fade.

Mga naiisip mo nga naman kapag wala kang tulog. :) So ikaw, may bulutong ka ba?

Siren Song

My heart: it’s pounding and it’s restless and it’s peaceful all at the same time. It’s singing a tune I never thought I’d hear again. A siren’s song: ancient, beautiful, yet familiar. I hear it whispering life into the intricacies of my body, pumping blood to every nerve and sinew.

The water whispers: Come. My heart sings in answer: I am ready.

Image from here.

Independence Day

My heart skipped a beat at the sight of...the pool. I didn't know it was possible to feel so at home in the water. Before taking up swimming lessons, I was afraid of it. But now, after only one session, there's a certain sense of calm that washes over me (pun unintended) once I'm in the pool. I want to stay in the water for as long as possible, until my skin is gnarled and I'm too tired to even just glide on the surface. Plus, I like the way I look after a good swim - skin golden brown, nose as red as Rudolph's, my hair sticking out every which way. And my eyes - though tinged with red - reflect joy, contentment, and a realization that I want to be here - in the water. I feel so carefree. My heart continues to skip a beat.

We swam for an hour and a half. I know I could use some more practice. Nahihirapan pa din ako sa breathing when doing freestyle. It's all about timing and I have to work on that. Yesterday, the Pius pool was closed so we swam at the YMCA instead. It's harder to breathe there - the water's too thick with chlorine, it tends to burn your throat when you happen to swallow even just a teeny bit.

**

American Psycho update: I'm almost done, probably down to the last 30 pages of the book. I couldn't contain the events to myself any longer that I tried to entice my brother to listen to me rant about this madman's misadventures. Well, my brother just shook his head, waved me away, and continued watching the Heat-Spurs rerun on TV. Oh well. 

I wonder how Mr. Ellis wrote the book. Did he do a lot of research on serial killers - real life and fictional ones? Ted Bundy? Hannibal? Did he had nightmares after writing this particular book? It's so graphic I shut my eyes every time Bateman strikes. Great writing: I believe every single thing Ellis wrote, even if I know that the chance of him writing this from personal experience is close to nil.

Patrick Bateman makes Hannibal look like an amateur. But at least, Hannibal's "classy". But Bateman....he's out of his fucking mind. I want to place this book next to my DI Rebus series, half hoping that John Rebus springs to life, enters the American Psycho world, and nails the bastard. That'd be nice.

***

Midnight gave birth yesterday - four kittens, two pure black and two black ones spotted with white.

****

I wanted to kiss you on the cheek when we said goodbye but I guess, I was shy. Awkward. One of these days, I'll finally succeed in doing it and then it...really...is...over. Done. Just like when Popoy kissed Basha on the cheek in One More Chance post break up, the first time they saw each other after a year. Sooner or later, I'll be able to do it. Just you wait.

Date a Girl Who Jaywalks

Date a girl who jaywalks. Date a girl who knows how to cross a street even without the help of a pedestrian lane. When she was a child, she used to play Patintero all day and this is how she got her jaywalker skills. Whoever said that only guys loved the chase?

Find a girl who is averse to pedestrian lanes.She knows that life is not a series of straight lines; that life can take the shape of whatever she wants it to be. (Ano daw?) You’ll know her by her gait; the way she walks at the speed of light when crossing intersections. You would think she is the personification of grace under pressure. But while crossing the street, you can feel her pulse racing two beats at a time and you realize that this brave woman also gets scared. Take this as a cue to hold her hand while you are crossing busy streets, even if crossing is prohibited. Marvel at her sense of adventure, her street smarts, her risk-taking abilities, and her determination to push forward despite obstacles like speeding vehicles. 

Celebrate life with a girl who jaywalks. You will share a siomai or two or many a Jamaican Pattie with her after successfully crossing streets. She will propose a toast and you will clink your C2 Green Tea bottle against her Coke can. You will appreciate how low maintenance she is; how she can be satisfied with these simple celebrations.  

Date a girl whose charm can weaken even the strictest MMDA. When she gets caught, she will smile her innocent smile at the enforcer, explain that this was more convenient for her, and end up having the enforcer, instead of taking her to the precinct, escort her across the street. If she can charm the authorities, surely she can charm anyone - including your family.    

If you find a girl who jaywalks, accept her free spirit. And most importantly, treat her right. Because if you don’t, she’ll walk-out on you without a second thought. Pun intended. 

Note: This post has no aim of encouraging people to break the law. Jaywalk at your own risk ladies.

Image from here.

#Selfie

I have been rebonding my hair for five years straight. And suddenly, I don't want to do it anymore so I cut it all off. Now, it's back to its original curly state. It feels like everyday is a bad hair day. But it's okay. Sometimes, I regret cutting it but most of the time, I'm fine with how it looks. :)

I procrastinate every now and then but I'm no slacker. Kabisado ko na ang sarili ko 'pag dating sa work (I know myself well, at least when it comes to work). I may not be the type who takes work seriously  too seriously but I can proudly say that I'm good at what I do. Not the best but competent enough.

I have lesser temper tantrums now compared to when I was younger. Haha. I've realized that it's okay to feel irritated or sad or not in the mood but it's not  an excuse to start treating people like shit or to drag other people down to share your misery.

The L word. Yes, love. As Laida Magtalas would say: Big word. Strong word. Learned not to throw this word around. And learned not to be in love with the idea of being in love. (This part is so cheesy. Pagbigyan. Hahaha.)

I like myself better now than when I was in my early 20s. My early 20s was  full-on raging hormones, a time full of mistakes and rash decisions. Not that I did not enjoy making those mistakes (although, some I do regret doing), heck, I learned from all those bad moments. Most of the things I remember from when I was younger were things that scarred me. Now I keep the scars in sight, to remind me of the things I should never ever do again.

Also, not to say that I did not like myself back then. I was a risk-taker... to a fault. But I've changed; I know how to use my head now, instead of just blindly following my heart. I've learned to take care of myself better. I've learned self-respect.

I like myself  better, as I am, in the here and now. I hope I'll feel the same down the road. Hey, life can only get better :)

Image from here.

Old writing notebook

*Two days after my 25th birthday, Dec 2011

She turned 25 a couple of days ago. Gone were the days when birthdays seemed so special - a day you look forward to when you were just a little kid. She wasn't that young anymore and she knew it.

Somehow, "All the Love in the World" kept playing in her head and not for the first time that day, she asked herself if she was ready. She doesn't want to fall into the trap of thinking that she's ready to fall in love again when she's really not. It has been an obsessive thought lately. Something that she doesn't want to think about anymore. She knows that if she's indeed ready, she wouldn't have to ask herself that question anymore. She'll just know.

** January 26 2012
Sometimes I feel the my world shake. The slightest tremor sends anxiety to my already addled brain. It's as if my soul is moving parallel with the earth's core, sending slivers of alarm, alerting me that something inside might collapse.

(P.S. I don't know what this meant. Probably pretty sure I was stressed out during this time.)

***June 1 2012
When I went to Baguio last month, there was this pure moment of contentment that I felt. We were praying inside the Our Lady of Atonement Church and I just felt this utter sense of contentment: that there might be something still missing but I love my life as it is anyway. I've got everything I need.

(P.S. I need to be reminded of that feeling again :) )

There goes the light, it just went out.



How do I feel? Like crap. Like all my energy just went down the drain. How can a simple picture make me feel so bad? Maybe it was the look in their eyes. They were happy, they were together, and they smiled like they were happy to be together.

I saw him the day after the picture was posted. I was in a funk, out of sorts. Catatonic even. I was sluggish, my voice just above a whisper. I made unremarkable comments about the food, about my day. He said, "Parang matamlay ka yata ngayon." I smirked. I wanted to scream. It's because of you, you idiot! I wanted so bad to tell him. Drag him into my disgusting misery. But I can't, I won't.

We're friends. First and foremost, we're friends. Before I fell in love with him, we were friends first. And friends want their friends to be happy. Whatever feelings I have should be placed in the back burner. Besides, we've already talked about it a couple of times and things never work out. It's just not meant to be. And I want him to be happy. I think he already is.

Good for him. Damn good for him.

Love Letter (Part II)

14 February 1932


Charles,

I saw her. Last night, in a dream.

We were in a park, strolling and holding hands. Leaves were falling all around us. Bright red ones, orange leaves, golden foliage. I cannot recall most of what happened but a lightness in my chest lingers. It's like sunshine spreading out to the darkest corners of my insides. Even now, I still feel it.

In truth, I haven't seen Joanne in a while. But, it is as if, she is with me all the time. I am certain that our paths will cross again. An invisible thread connects the two of us; an umbilical cord binds us navel to navel. With my every pulse, I can hear the drone of her heart and I know, somehow, somewhere, she's waiting for me to find her again. Until that pre-destined moment of our meeting, I hope my dreams of her would never end.


F.R.


*Happy Hearts Day everyone! :)   

Love Letter

3^rd December 1931

Charles,

I am going mad. These feelings are devouring me from the inside out. My bones are being crushed with the weight of my own delirium.

Joanne. Her name evokes a thousand emotions. Her eyes hold so much, I wonder where her soul has been before. Because her name tastes like almonds in my mouth, salty and bitter at the same time. Because I imagine she’s fond of holding hands all the time, even when sleeping. Because she makes me feel like every day is December –when you look forward to waking up, even if the weather is freezing. Her laughter is the sunlight that melts the frost off my heart. Because she doesn’t know how to sing that I want to make music for her, hold her hand, and hum her to sleep every night. Because she makes me think of someone else besides myself. That with one simple glance, a half-smile, I hear my heart about to burst inside my chest.

How I wish that this fever never ends.

                                                                                                                                       F.R.

Liar Liar

"The only way you can write the truth is to assume that what you set down will never be read. Not by any other person, and not even by yourself at some later date. Otherwise you begin excusing yourself. You must see the writing as emerging like a long scroll of ink from the index finger of your right hand; you must see your left hand erasing it." - Margaret Atwood


I shouldn't be posting this but what the hell.

I've been scared long enough. So SCREW it.

Last Sunday, I realized that my biggest regret in this crazy-little-thing-called-love is...

Letting you go 12 years ago.

There. I feel better now. That's the truth. And if anyone asks me again, that's what I'm going to say. If YOU ask me again, I will look you in the eye and tell you the truth.

Count your blessings: September in Review

Mom turned 48 years old . Hooray! :D


Blow the candle!

Ivan turned 25 years old. :D

Cheers to more years!

My first time to set foot in Mindanao. First time to eat a sea urchin and I found out it was delicious, too.

Cruised throught the City of Golden Friendship with my bestfriends :)

Was awestruck by the beauty of Katibawasan Falls in Camiguin

Survived the longest zipline in Asia at Dahilayan adventure park

Survived the flashflood while rafting down the Cagayan River

Hmmm, what else?

• Watched the Phantom of the Opera for the first time: one thing that got crossed out my bucket list :D
• Simply spending time with family and friends - goofing around and acting like idiots everytime we see each other
• Dad preparing food for me everyday <3>
• Apologizing to someone, being granted forgiveness, and knowing that you are at peace with the person you look up to as your big brother. It really warms my heart.  :)

There. To tell the truth, September was a pretty rough month for me. There are things, persons even, that I had to let go of, either because of my own choice or because of choices made by other people for me. It's hard writing this post. It's hard to feel cheery at all. However, at the end of the day, there is still sooo much to be thankful for, so many things to be strong for. I don't want to be preachy and I can't speak for everyone else. But I know that what matters now is how we move forward. How we will stay strong - for ourselves and for the people around us. I want to move forward and believe that everything happens for a reason, that there is a higher power at work somewhere and everything will just fall into their right places, that a setback can actually be just another blessing in disguise.

Honey, where are you?



-Milan Kundera


Honey, where are you?

Work was chaotic today. Too many things to reconcile; too many things to fix. Sometimes, I just stop and stare at my monitor, not knowing what to do next nor even where to start. I wonder how many more days I have to spend like this. The thought of sitting right next to you, in silence, my hand in yours makes this day bearable. I hope your day was better than mine.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you're doing I hope you can feel me writing this. I hope that the universe gives you some kind of hint that somewhere, someone is thinking of you - someone you've never met - that whatever you're doing right now, whether your nose is buried in a book or you're finishing a blueprint or having your nighttime walk,  you pause and marvel at this inexplicable feeling of spontaneously knowing that the person who holds the other half of your heart is sending you a cosmic message to hurry up and find her. I hope you find me sooner. I mean, I hope we stumble upon each other sooner rather than later. I'm getting tired of kissing frogs who turn out to be assholes in the end.

So, again: honey, where are you?   

*Quote from Milan Kundera. Image from here.