30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself. #10 Is An Absolute Must.

#4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

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Five things I learned from Swimming (that can be applied to real life)

1. Keep your eyes open. Whether you're going to jump into the water or just doing laps, it's best if you see where you are headed. 
2. It's all about pacing. It's not a race. The goal is to keep your body in rhythm so you can keep yourself afloat. 
3. When you're in the middle of the pool and you realize that you're in really deep water (excuse the pun) and you start to panic, remember: Glide, kick, kick, pull. Keep moving, don't let the circumstances scare you. Remember what you have to do to get through.
4. Remember a mouthful of water cannot drown you, but panic can. (This I learned from "Life of Pi" HAHAHA but it's applicable anyway).
5. After every pull, raise your head from the surface and do not forget to BREATHE.

My Anti-Bucket List

The Anti-bucket list or the list of things you never hope to do in your lifetime.

Here's mine (in no particular order):

• World War III breaks out and there's scarcity of food and so I have to eat my cats. NOOOO, I don't even wanna think about it.
• Anything that concerns septic tanks.
• Shave my head.
• Wear contact lens. I have an issue with putting any foreign object inside my eyes. I'm pretty much paranoid with anything concerning my peepers. Aside from them being my best assets (hehehe), my biggest fear is that I'd go blind and never be able to read again.
• Attend the wedding of the person you wanted to marry. Duh.
• Undergo a root canal. Ouchie.
•  Bungee Jump.  No, seriously, bungee jump.
• Jump out of a crashing plane.
• Dance like Miley Cyrus did in the recent VMA's. Watched it yet? Yes. Watch it again so you could put it in your anti-bucket list, too. Haha. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgSQSQ6D16o) 

You, what's yours? :)

Goodnight Baby

I didn't get to see her alive when I woke up this morning. I did see her: curled up inside a shoe box, her amber eyes open but unseeing. She must've been in pain even during the final minutes. I stroked her head one last time, took a deep breath, and knew that I will never see her again. If only I did not linger in bed, if only I didn't hit snooze and just went downstairs immediately...Ohmyghaaad, I'm tearing up again :( I'm a walking bag of guilt and grief. Anyone who ever had a pet they loved could probably relate to the sadness.

She started to throw up last Saturday night and refused to eat ever since. She ate our house plant. Cat owners, house plants are toxic to cats. I thought she was going to be better today because we already, finally, went to the vet yesterday. (Too late :( ) She had three shots for her fever. The shots were meant to relieve her of it. She still didn't want to eat last night, not even a drink of water. Before I went upstairs to sleep, she was just sitting on the floor, trying hard to sleep, shifting positions every so often. I guess the pain never allowed her to sleep.

She's barely two years old. She's quiet, unlike Hachi or Kimba who tend to run around the house, breaking things. Midnight was skinny; she's pure black with piercing amber eyes. She used to follow me around the house, even inside the toilet. She responds when you call her name. She knows who she is. She's scared of thunder and the sound of drums. When there's a visitor inside the house, she scurries upstairs to hide. Her favorite food is chicken liver. Oh, and she likes hunting birds, too.

Goodnight Midnight. I'm sorry. I should've taken you to the doctor sooner. I hope it's true that cats have nine lives. I hope you're waking up somewhere, a newborn kitten, living her second life. I miss you already. I love you.

I Dream a Dream

I.

I dreamt of being stranded in an airport.  I was with Ivan, Zan, and Yshio. Too realistic to be a dream, since just last month, we were indeed stranded in Busuanga airport. Maybe my brain is rehashing memories. I have no idea where we were - where we were headed, or what airport it is exactly - all I knew was we were waiting for a flight that would never come. There are details I've forgotten already.

II.

The next night I dreamt of being in an old cafe in Bacolod. Ivy grew on the walls of the cafe and the windows were made of Capiz shells. There was indecipherable music in the background. I was certain we were in Bacolod, even if there were no physical clues as to where we were. I was with Ivan, Zan, and Yshio again. Ivan had a big album with him that he was showing us. It was full of pictures of our years and years of friendship...

III.

Took a nap and dreamt of zigzags and realized we were in Baguio. Only it was just us two. We were being chased. I don't recall what or who was chasing us. Probably zombies (since I've watched World War Z just the night before). I saw rain clouds on the horizon, grey and plump. We slumped on the floor and slept.

Date a Girl Who Jaywalks

Date a girl who jaywalks. Date a girl who knows how to cross a street even without the help of a pedestrian lane. When she was a child, she used to play Patintero all day and this is how she got her jaywalker skills. Whoever said that only guys loved the chase?

Find a girl who is averse to pedestrian lanes.She knows that life is not a series of straight lines; that life can take the shape of whatever she wants it to be. (Ano daw?) You’ll know her by her gait; the way she walks at the speed of light when crossing intersections. You would think she is the personification of grace under pressure. But while crossing the street, you can feel her pulse racing two beats at a time and you realize that this brave woman also gets scared. Take this as a cue to hold her hand while you are crossing busy streets, even if crossing is prohibited. Marvel at her sense of adventure, her street smarts, her risk-taking abilities, and her determination to push forward despite obstacles like speeding vehicles. 

Celebrate life with a girl who jaywalks. You will share a siomai or two or many a Jamaican Pattie with her after successfully crossing streets. She will propose a toast and you will clink your C2 Green Tea bottle against her Coke can. You will appreciate how low maintenance she is; how she can be satisfied with these simple celebrations.  

Date a girl whose charm can weaken even the strictest MMDA. When she gets caught, she will smile her innocent smile at the enforcer, explain that this was more convenient for her, and end up having the enforcer, instead of taking her to the precinct, escort her across the street. If she can charm the authorities, surely she can charm anyone - including your family.    

If you find a girl who jaywalks, accept her free spirit. And most importantly, treat her right. Because if you don’t, she’ll walk-out on you without a second thought. Pun intended. 

Note: This post has no aim of encouraging people to break the law. Jaywalk at your own risk ladies.

Image from here.

#Selfie

I have been rebonding my hair for five years straight. And suddenly, I don't want to do it anymore so I cut it all off. Now, it's back to its original curly state. It feels like everyday is a bad hair day. But it's okay. Sometimes, I regret cutting it but most of the time, I'm fine with how it looks. :)

I procrastinate every now and then but I'm no slacker. Kabisado ko na ang sarili ko 'pag dating sa work (I know myself well, at least when it comes to work). I may not be the type who takes work seriously  too seriously but I can proudly say that I'm good at what I do. Not the best but competent enough.

I have lesser temper tantrums now compared to when I was younger. Haha. I've realized that it's okay to feel irritated or sad or not in the mood but it's not  an excuse to start treating people like shit or to drag other people down to share your misery.

The L word. Yes, love. As Laida Magtalas would say: Big word. Strong word. Learned not to throw this word around. And learned not to be in love with the idea of being in love. (This part is so cheesy. Pagbigyan. Hahaha.)

I like myself better now than when I was in my early 20s. My early 20s was  full-on raging hormones, a time full of mistakes and rash decisions. Not that I did not enjoy making those mistakes (although, some I do regret doing), heck, I learned from all those bad moments. Most of the things I remember from when I was younger were things that scarred me. Now I keep the scars in sight, to remind me of the things I should never ever do again.

Also, not to say that I did not like myself back then. I was a risk-taker... to a fault. But I've changed; I know how to use my head now, instead of just blindly following my heart. I've learned to take care of myself better. I've learned self-respect.

I like myself  better, as I am, in the here and now. I hope I'll feel the same down the road. Hey, life can only get better :)

Image from here.

Rejection Slips and Rewrites (Overhauled)

**Here's the revised :)

“Jump!”

I look down and my toes start to curl around the edge of the rock I’m standing on as if trying to hold on and say: No way. It is a long way down. I flatten myself against the cave wall. I am jolted forward in surprise as a protruding stone lodges itself on the small of my sweat-soaked back.  I almost fall, if not for my life vest, one of its many strings got tangled on the stone’s edge.  Even the stone’s giving me a little push. I unknot my life vest, checked that there was no damage, and resumed hesitating to jump on the precipice.

“Come on, at the count of three ha!”

I can see five neon green life vests below, not quite blending into the emerald water. My friends, all five of them, already took the plunge and they were egging me on, their cheers resonant inside the cave walls. Every summer we go out of town. This year we’re backpacking in the Northern Philippines. We were in Bolinao just yesterday. Tonight we’re heading off to Baguio. Right now, I’m standing inside a cave on Marcos Island, one of the Hundred Isles in Alaminos, Pangasinan. The cave’s main attraction is the 20 feet of free fall into the pool of water below.

Why do we always end up doing some kind of risky activity each time we go on vacation? My friends have this penchant for trying out new (and dangerous) experiences like zip lining, canyon swings, and helmet diving. For them it’s fun; for me it’s tempting fate. I usually sit out on these activities. But, when I absolutely have no choice, I dawdle when it’s my turn - like what I’m doing now. It takes loads of cheering (which sometimes leads to bullying) and reassurance that everything will be okay before I’d be convinced to get it done and over with.

I’d like to think that I was adventurous when I was younger. I used to climb mountains. I’ve rock climbed Mt. Batulao’s old trail without any rope for support when I was 18. I used to surf, too. When I get bored at home, I go up our roof and lie down on it. So, no, I don’t have acrophobia. I’m no aquaphobe either.   

Everything changed when I turned twenty. I’m 26 now, by the way. Our next door neighbor’s kid died in a car accident. Shiela was her name. Her dad lost control of the car and they crashed into a concrete barrier. The roads were slippery because there was a storm that day. Her dad survived but Shiela, well, she wasn’t wearing her seatbelt. We were of the same age.

I stopped going up the roof shortly after her death. I turned down invites to climb. And, yes, I stopped surfing. Back then, I was bewildered. I didn’t know why I stopped. Sheila and I were not close but her death left a bad taste in my mouth.

Thinking about it now, I figured what she gave me was a taste of my own mortality. Before she passed away, death was just an abstraction to me – a far-off notion applicable to those who were 60 and up only. I never knew anyone close to me who died in their 20s until Shiela’s passing away. The effect was I no longer wanted to tempt fate by doing the things I used to.

 “Talon na. At the count of three ha!”

I don’t know how long I have been standing on the precipice but my legs were starting to feel numb. As my friends start to count, I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and utter a silent prayer. Well, not really a prayer but more of a question: “Lord, oras ko na ba?”

I hear my friends shout. “One, two, three!”

I wanted to jump but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Metaphysics

I believe that souls are reborn. (Or maybe Cloud Atlas has inception-ized my brain.)

Who could I've been in my past life? Maybe I was a jester at King Henry VIII's court. I may have been a surfer dude in Hawaii. Or a professor of music in some esteemed school halfway around the globe.

Who am I now? I'm not so sure, but if we define personality by what people do, then I guess, I am a senior media planner (pinay media planner, naks) in a media agency. Funny how it sounds so generic, like it could be anyone. It doesn't quite answer the question. If we define ourselves by the job we do, it feels like we know so little of ourselves we let our circumstances define who we are. But then, how does one define personality? But I digress. This is not the point of this post.

I would be somebody else the next time my soul is reborn. I could be somebody else now in a parallel universe for all I know. However, I will never know that I've been reborn. I can speculate that I've had a past life but I would not be able to recollect moments of that supposed past life. I guess that's why we say "You Only Live Once" nowadays. I believe in souls being reborn and in YOLO. Ironic, isn't it? Not quite.

In parallel universes I might've exist or still exist, past lives I might've lived through, but my here and now is well, here and now, right at this moment. I will never be more conscious that I am alive than I am right now. Flesh and blood, living and breathing at this moment. What I do now I won't be able to recall next time. So I say let's stop taking each moment for granted and start living.

The point of this post? Nothing, just trying to be profound for a change (and trying to eliminate writer's block in the process). ;)

Schizotypal

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||| 18% Schizoid |||| 18% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||| 74% Antisocial |||||||||| 34% Borderline |||| 18% Histrionic |||||| 30% Narcissistic |||||||||| 38% Avoidant |||||||||||| 46% Dependent |||| 18% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||| 46%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test

Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

 

 

Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior; preoccupied with seeing themselves and/or the world as strange/odd
 

Take the test here:

http://similarminds.com/personality_disorder.html

Count your blessings: September in Review

Mom turned 48 years old . Hooray! :D


Blow the candle!

Ivan turned 25 years old. :D

Cheers to more years!

My first time to set foot in Mindanao. First time to eat a sea urchin and I found out it was delicious, too.

Cruised throught the City of Golden Friendship with my bestfriends :)

Was awestruck by the beauty of Katibawasan Falls in Camiguin

Survived the longest zipline in Asia at Dahilayan adventure park

Survived the flashflood while rafting down the Cagayan River

Hmmm, what else?

• Watched the Phantom of the Opera for the first time: one thing that got crossed out my bucket list :D
• Simply spending time with family and friends - goofing around and acting like idiots everytime we see each other
• Dad preparing food for me everyday <3>
• Apologizing to someone, being granted forgiveness, and knowing that you are at peace with the person you look up to as your big brother. It really warms my heart.  :)

There. To tell the truth, September was a pretty rough month for me. There are things, persons even, that I had to let go of, either because of my own choice or because of choices made by other people for me. It's hard writing this post. It's hard to feel cheery at all. However, at the end of the day, there is still sooo much to be thankful for, so many things to be strong for. I don't want to be preachy and I can't speak for everyone else. But I know that what matters now is how we move forward. How we will stay strong - for ourselves and for the people around us. I want to move forward and believe that everything happens for a reason, that there is a higher power at work somewhere and everything will just fall into their right places, that a setback can actually be just another blessing in disguise.

Mortal Causes*

I’ve wanted to write about death for some time now. A couple of unexpected ‘incidents’ that happened to people I know really got me thinking, not only about death’s inevitability, but of its thief-like quality.

When you’re young, you think of death as something that mostly happens to people who’d lived a full life already. Or maybe to people who are past the prime of their lives. Certainly, death isn’t hounding someone who’s barely out of college, someone who just got married, someone receiving her first pay check. You think to yourself: “I’m young, I’m invincible.”

That’s how I used to think. Now: paradigm shift. The knowledge of someone a couple of years older getting sick, slowly deteriorating, and having a respirator as his only connection to life is a big wake-up call. I’ve also heard of someone pass on in his sleep – his young wife dumbfounded about what to do next. And of course, a recent celebrity lost her spouse to a fatal illness. This child-star turned actress is about my age and I’m sorry that she has to deal with the grief of losing someone on such a young stage in her life. Things can happen so fast – unexpectedly fast. One time you’re alive and kicking and the next moment you don’t know what hit you.

All these things gave me a taste of my own mortality. You never really know when the reaper will get you. Yes, I’m kind of scared thinking about it but that doesn’t change the fact that death is real and to it age is just a number. I don’t want to creep you out guys; I’m just sharing a realization that is often put aside because of fear. Yes, we know it will come but we still take each moment for granted. So as ‘gasgas’ this might sound: smell the coffee, say “I Love You”, live like it’s your last day, live without regrets, learn to say “no”. Always ask: if this was my last 24 hours on earth, what would I want to do? How do I want to spend it?

*Post title borrowed from Ian Rankin’s Mortal Causes, the seventh novel of the Inspector John Rebus series.

*Image from here.