Actually, I have a wound.

Do you need one, too?
Image from here.

I thought it would go away if I ignored it. I tried putting a band aid on it so I won't see it. When it was painful, I looked the other way and tried to focus on other things so I'd forget the pain.

I was wrong.

Wounds don't heal if you ignore them. They'd fester and grow and gnaw at you. And end up worse than before. They don't heal too if you pay too much attention to it though. It takes time and the right amount of effort for it to heal completely.

And that's exactly what I'll do - take my time to heal. Feel a little less guilty for saying how I feel; be okay with the fact that I still feel offended. Most of the time, it feels like I have no right to feel slighted. That I should be okay with how things are - keep an open mind and be understanding of other people. Listen to them pour their hearts out. Share their pain. Offer words of comfort. All the while holding everything in and trying not to explode. It's my fault too. I have never been a "sharer"; I keep things to myself too much. I really, really, really tried my best. But I realized that I need to fix myself first. Maybe even keep a bit of distance for a while if that's what it takes. I was a fool to believe that everything would return to how it was.

I'm sorry.

There goes the light, it just went out.



How do I feel? Like crap. Like all my energy just went down the drain. How can a simple picture make me feel so bad? Maybe it was the look in their eyes. They were happy, they were together, and they smiled like they were happy to be together.

I saw him the day after the picture was posted. I was in a funk, out of sorts. Catatonic even. I was sluggish, my voice just above a whisper. I made unremarkable comments about the food, about my day. He said, "Parang matamlay ka yata ngayon." I smirked. I wanted to scream. It's because of you, you idiot! I wanted so bad to tell him. Drag him into my disgusting misery. But I can't, I won't.

We're friends. First and foremost, we're friends. Before I fell in love with him, we were friends first. And friends want their friends to be happy. Whatever feelings I have should be placed in the back burner. Besides, we've already talked about it a couple of times and things never work out. It's just not meant to be. And I want him to be happy. I think he already is.

Good for him. Damn good for him.

OHMAYGHAAD #2 or the Daily Countdown to V-Day

I am 25 years old and I am single I’ve been single most of my waking hours. It’s not something that I am ashamed of. What with the scarcity of real men (figuratively and literally) nowadays, it is not an abnormality to find yourself without a boyfriend these days. I know a lot of women who can relate to this. Women who are fulfilled in their own chosen paths; strong women who recognize that life is indeed sweet and that it can be sweeter when you have someone who loves you (and who you love back).

There are certain norms in society that makes a 25-year old woman feel old which men will never be able to feel until they’re pushing 40. It would be hypocritical to say “F*ck social pressure.” because I do feel the pressure of my own biological clock ticking away. More than that, it is that feeling you have that you’ve done most things happily on your own, in your own way and that you want to share these things that make you happy with someone else. This is not desperation talking for the sole reason that “wanting to have someone” and “will die If I will not have someone immediately” are not the same things.

Yes, this post was conceived because Valentine’s Day is just a week away. Most of the time, we singles say that it is just one capitalistic event. Let’s admit, though, that it also makes us contemplate on why we are still single. If you don’t feel this way, lucky you. For me, however, (and for most of my friends) discussions about singledom begin on February faster than you can say 'leap year'. And yes, I admit that sometimes, at the end of a tiring day it would be good to have someone whom you can share the details of your day with; someone who’ll make you swoon every time he smiles at you; someone to simply hold hands with. :)