I know I need to write whenever I feel so restless. It helps organize the jumbled thoughts and feelings tumbling inside my head, if not quiet down the unrest I feel inside. So here goes...
Sometimes, I feel like my life is a series of montage – everything goes by so fast I can hardly keep up. I’m here one second and gone the next. My mind keeps wandering away and, lately, I’ve been thinking about what the hell it is I would really, really like to do with my life. Some friends say this is a natural occurrence for a soon-to-be 25 year old – the proverbial ‘quarter-life crisis’ phase. But, honestly, I’ve been thinking about this for such a long time now, even before I hit 24. I guess it just so happened that I’ve reached my saturation point as my 25th year is approaching. Nevertheless, quarter-life crisis or not, this hollow feeling of uneasiness is too strong it is almost tangible. Maybe this is a consequence of listening too much to Stacie Orrico’s ‘More to Life’.
Aside from feeling a bit down lately, I confess I haven’t been productive at work as well (read: half-hearted attempts at finishing outputs, hitting the snooze button more than I should, and then dragging my late ass to work on weekdays). I think this is a low point in my career. To tell the truth, I want to do good, to be better, to suggest mind-blowing ideas – and I know I can if I tried harder. The problem is I don’t know if I’m ready. I know, that sounds a bit like an excuse – a very stupid, very lame excuse. But it’s the truth, anyway. I’m not ready to step up because I don’t know if this is what I want to do for the next 40 years or so. I’m not ready yet because I haven’t even tried anything else aside from this field. I’m not ready yet because all my life I’ve been so serious about everything that now I just want to bum around and do nothing. Live off on what little savings I have. Do something that does not involve major brain exercises for a while. This is so easy to say on paper but knowing myself, I’d probably wait until I have a concrete plan before throwing my life in the wind. The very antithesis of what I’m trying to achieve.
Don’t get me wrong, the root of my growing unhappiness does not spring from the work that I do. It’s a case of “It’s not you, it’s me.” It’s me who doesn’t know what she wants, me who doesn’t want to grow up, me who isn’t ready to face up to the challenge yet.
I'm not really sure how to end this post because there's really no resolution coming up in my mind. I'm like Odysseus trying to find Ithaca for ten long years. Hope someone or something helps me along the way.
Have you ever had a sabbatical? Say, a long vacation? (the one usually done right after college or right before your first profession) Maybe all you need is one, to assess and evaluate, and also to find yourself in the greater scheme of things.
ReplyDeleteYou're probably right. I joined the rat race immediately after graduating. I guess a long break is necessary right now.
ReplyDeleteHey, it's alright. It actually shows you still have enough drive in you to do something/be someone better.:) Go lang, take risks. Pero I'm sure if you actually list down your accomplishments, you have done a lot of amazing things in those 24-years which would make you proud. Sabi nga ni RC, it sometimes takes an outsider to see the beautiful things you have done. Be an outsider sometimes.:)
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